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printer friendlyWhat to Do When Your ADHD Bag of Tricks Comes Up Short
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The downside to my writing about coping mechanisms and life management skills is that it gives an impression that I've got everything under control. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you don't believe me, just ask my wife—or any of my colleagues. In fact, at times, I am quite a mess. For me, this is even more frustrating after being diagnosed than it was before. Prepare yourself for the inevitable crisis when your coping skills fail you.
Diagnosis—the Double Edged Sword
We all have experienced the tremendous relief that diagnosis provides. We take great comfort in knowing there is a name and medical basis for why we have felt different all our lives. We are relieved to learn that we are not "stupid", "lazy" or "a chronic under-achiever". The problem is—this sense of relief and comfort can easily turn into tough self-criticism. It is perfectly logical to think that since we now understand why we act the way we do, all we have to do is change. Unfortunately, this is a lot easier said than done. As effective as medication is, it can bring a false sense of security. Medication and education can become avenues for being much tougher on ourselves than we need to be. Don't let yourself fall into this trap.
No matter how good your coping systems are, or how religiously you take your medication, there will be times when your ADHD takes over. You have to remember—this is the way my brain is wired. I have lived this way all of my life. The relatively short period of your ADHD awareness and treatment can't compete. In fact, if you think about it, it isn't even a fair fight. My advice is to step back and prepare yourself for situations when your ADHD takes over.
Stick to What Has Worked for You
ADHD provides us with many hidden talents. I say hidden because we have, unknowingly, employed our natural defense mechanisms all our lives. For your own sanity, it is important that you recognize and use these defense mechanisms now. Here is where careful introspection comes in. As an adult with ADHD, no matter how rough your life has been, you have gotten to this point. Stop and think what got you here. You are a survivor. Give yourself credit and use what has worked for you all along.
Back in college whenever my inability to read the assignments or turn in written work was affecting my grades, I sought out my professors. I asked for, and was often given, the opportunity to do extra credit assignments. For some reason, I was able to complete these. I had more control over the process and the topic. It was my way of rectifying a problem that I had created. More importantly, it showed my professor that I was willing to put in extra time so my problem wasn't laziness and disinterest. This is one way I made it through college with respectable grades. Back then I considered this approach "cheating" or "faking it". Looking back now, after my diagnosis, I realize it was an effective coping mechanism.
Many times at home I am very unproductive. This causes frustration for me and my wife. There are certain jobs that I just can't bring myself to do. Thinking about my college experiences, I offer to do an alternative project. This project may even be more time consuming but it is one I think I can throw myself into. This channels my initial frustration and sense of failure into productivity. More importantly, it shows my wife that I am not lazy or difficult. I am willing to work harder than originally asked, but need to be involved in selecting and executing the task. I need to do it on my own terms and in my own way, without the threat of judgment.
Employ Your Sense of Humor
A sense of humor is probably as important as your medication or any coping mechanism you employ. Having a good laugh at yourself can easily remove the stress of any given transgression and get you poised to try again. It may be the only way to keep your wits about you. Remember this—people with low self- esteem can't afford to lose what little they have. Laughing at yourself is the best way to keep this precious commodity in your bank.
Thinking ahead to telling about your humorous situations to others is often helpful. When I am in a situation that would normally frustrate me because of my ADHD, despite the steps I have taken to overcome it, I try to take a step back and laugh at myself. In tougher situations I try to take myself out of the situation and think how funny this is going to be when I tell someone else the story. I begin planning how I will tell the story to others and which details I will either embellish or emphasize to entertain my audience.
About a year ago I was repeatedly late for an appointment with my therapist. I was determined to get to this appointment on time. The following week I got there several minutes early and found a parking spot close by. I was so preoccupied with punctuality that I locked my keys in the car. Not wanting to ruin this moral victory, I decided not to dwell on it and go to the appointment anyway. I knew—from previous experiences- - that there was a locksmith within walking distance. I went to the appointment and resigned myself to deal with the car problem later. When the locksmith eventually unlocked the car for me, I realized that it had been running the whole time- - not an ideal situation in mid town Manhattan. As I felt my frustration mounting, I pushed myself forward in time to how hysterically funny this story was going to be when I told my wife about it later. Concentrating on the story to such detail and how I would be telling it in the future, effectively took me out of the frustration of the moment.
Embrace Your ADHD
When your ADHD comes through, despite your best efforts, don't fight it. Embrace yourself for who you are. Too many of us spend so much time and effort trying to act "normal" that we forget our inherent gift for taking things in stride and shifting gears. We are the antithesis of those rigid "normal" people who freeze up when things don't go according to plan. Those with ADHD never had a plan in the first place!. We live our entire lives flying by the seat of our pants. While this isn't an ideal situation, this lack of preparedness makes us adept at reacting quickly to any given situation. The problem is—after educating ourselves about ADHD and spending so much effort in trying to conquer it—we tend to lose sight of our inherent flexibility. Remind yourself to roll with the punches as only we know how.
In my law practice, my partner and I are active litigators. He is extremely organized and plans every last detail of a case. At the other end of the spectrum is me. I am envious of his organization and the attention he pays to detail. His problem, however, is that when he is actually on trial and things are not going according to plan, he gets angry and extremely frustrated. The poor planner does not have this problem. It is much easier for me to shift gears and adapt to the constantly changing circumstances of a trial. After all, I have 38 years of compensating for a lack of preparedness.
A trial, like a battle, is a highly fluid situation. Planning is a fantastic tool for preparation, but rigidity in implementation can be the kiss of death. I have tried to appreciate my flexibility and recognize it as a talent. My medication helps me plan better than I used to, but I never take medicine when on trial. I have learned that I need that edge that my ADHD naturally provides. I need to adapt my plan or even create a new one depending on the circumstances. Preparation gives me more confidence during a trial, but I remain free to respond to anything that comes up.
Introspection and Evolution
When something doesn't work for you, ask yourself why. This can be an invaluable way to further hone your life management skills. You may discover a flaw in a system or coping mechanism that you have been using. Focusing on the problem and why it occurred can also take you out of the mind set of frustration. The important thing to stress here isn't so much the skills themselves. It is the process that is important—a process that begins with introspection, leads to experimentation, and then to refinement. As people with ADHD, we get bored very easily. While it is a important to establish good habits, remember that complacency is our enemy. Careful introspection can help you evolve in your coping methods. Remind yourself that the search never ends; but, I promise you, it does get easier.
For example, I had long heard that self–talk is a remarkable aid to abysmal working memory. I decided to carry a small tape recorder and record every thought that came into my head. It sounds like a great coping system, and it is. Unfortunately,by, it wasn't for me. The results were disastrous. I never listened to the tape to make use of the "nuggets of wisdom" I recorded. I was angry when this didn't work out for me. It seemed so simple and such a great idea.
From this failure, I learned something very important about myself. I need visual cues. I am not an effective auditory processor. In the future, any mechanisms I employ must incorporate visual clues. My results have been much more productive. This discovery came from my taking a hard look at myself, the problem and the reason why it failed as opposed to simply dwelling on the fact that it had.
Conclusion
Don't beat yourself up when, despite your best intentions, your ADHD comes through. Keep your sense of humor. Roll with the punches. Make this potential pitfall a valuable learning experience. Use it to sharpen the tools in your bag of tricks. Excuse me, I meant to say coping skills. Trust me; you were born with the ability to do this.
Good luck, and never forget, there are a lot of us out there just like you.
Robert M. Tudisco is a practicing attorney and freelance writer. He is also an adult diagnosed with ADHD. He is the Coordinator for the Westchester County Chapter of CHADD in New York. He is an avid runner and lives with his wife and young son in Eastchester New York. Robert welcomes comments and questions at his web site www.ADDcopingskills.com.
