Odd Couples:
Finding Peace and Respect in the Marriage Where One of You Has ADHD and the Other Does Not

Several years ago I attended a support group for the partners of people with ADHD. I was surprised at the anger and frustration felt by these husbands, wives, and friends of adults with ADHD as they described situations that occur with their ADHD partners. As an ADHD adult, I hadn't known that behavior similar to mine could be wreaking such havoc on our relationships. I listened astounded as one angry wife told of how her husband "wouldn't" finish anything he started; an upset husband announced that he was having to take responsibility for everything in their family; a mother of three complained that she thought she had married a man and a partner only to discover that she now has four children and no one to share in the raising of them. They spoke as if their partners did these things intentionally, taking advantage of them and their responsible natures. The common thread among these people and their comments was that while they loved their ADHD adults, they were tired and wanted them to change.

Since then I have often worried about this. Is change in an ADHD adult possible? Wouldn't we change if we could? Wouldn't all of us give away our ADHD problems, our ADHD behaviors, the disorganization, the piles of unfinished projects, the forgetfulness, the frustrations and the self-blaming if we could? I am certain that we would. Does it mean then, that we can never have a relationship as an equal partner, fully sharing responsibility? Are we doomed to always have failure or frustration in relationships?

The problem seems to be based in the fact that most of us entered into these relationships unaware of our ADHD, or if we were aware of it, we were unaware of how ADHD could affect them. If the ADHD adult is not aware of their inability to maintain focus and control impulsivity or the effect their procrastination has on others around them, it is not surprising that their partners feel betrayed, cheated or taken advantage of when they find that their ADHD partner can't or won't function normally in these areas. Our partners may have seen our ADHD traits as annoying, but controllable, changeable when we first met. They may have been enchanted with our unusual outlooks on life, our playfulness or our spontaneity, not realizing that living with these features might be difficult. With usual ADHD unrealistic expectations we probably promised ourselves and our partners that we could improve, we would do it right the next time. But with time and repeated failure at improvement, anger and resentment may have built up and the ADHD traits seemed to our partners to be intentional sabotaging of the relationship. Marriages and families are broken up over less. Is there any hope for us?

At an ADHD couples support group meeting we explored this problem. Is there a way that we can have successful relationships where both we ADHD adults and our non-ADHD partners are mutually sharing the responsibilities of life? We decided that with some accommodations we could be productive, equal partners in our relationships. ADHD and Non-ADHD, we worked together to make the following list of guidelines for both partners in an ADHD relationship:

Learn all you can about ADHD and accept that it is part of your lives.

ADHD is not a matter of being lazy. It is a physical disability as real as poor eyesight. Acceptance will allow the ADHD adult not to feel defeat each time we are unable to follow through with a plan and will allow the non-ADHD partner to change expectations of how we work.

Realize that living with a disability such as ADHD is stressful.

Support is important for both partners. Support groups, therapy, supportive friends and family who understand and listen can help both partners make their relationship a success.

Treat each other as equals and accept them, flaws and all.

Condescending or superior attitudes, teasing and belittling, reinforce feelings of inferiority and hamper the success of the relationship.

Refrain from sighing, frowning or making disparaging remarks

Do not criticize in any way when one partner is faced with an incomplete or unfinished chore or task. Don't finish the task for your partner. Taking over implies that they are not capable of doing it themselves. Instead, suggest "Can I help you finish raking the leaves?" or "It looks as if you may have scheduled more than you have time for today. Let's finish it together."

Tasks done together are more fun and more likely to be completed.

Companionship while doing chores and other activities keeps even the most boring job from becoming tedious. Do activities together, or in the same area for companionship and to avoid distractions and boredom.

Communicate! Communication is essential in any good relationship.

In order to be equal partners, communication about every aspect of life has to be possible. It is important for both ADHD and non-ADHD partners to be heard and accepted as they share their successes and frustrations. Plan a daily time for sharing and communicating. Combine it with a walk or private time without children or other distractions. ADHD people can be hard to listen to as they jump from one idea to the next at breakneck speed, or wander off in the middle of a conversation. They can be annoying with their impulsive interruptions. However, with calm, attentive and patient listening from a supportive partner, the ADHD adult can allow him/herself to slow down and organize his/her thoughts, slow his/her impulsivity and be both a successful listener and speaker.

When something that your partner does annoys you, talk about it.

Stuffing feelings doesn't solve problems; it only causes unnecessary stress and anger. If your partner is annoyed by something you do, be brave and do your best to listen to his/her complaint. Problem solve together to end the annoying situation.

Time outs.

Becoming overwhelmed is one of the major problems for ADHD people. Avoid overwhelm in your relationship by taking time outs when things become confusing or chaotic. During the time out, do stress reducing activities and take control of your frustrations by making a list of those things that are causing problems.

Laugh!

ADHD folks see humor everywhere. They not only do funny things, they think funny thoughts too. Non-ADHD partners are often attracted to them because they admire this light-hearted attitude toward life. Join in and laugh with your partner. Encourage each other to laugh at yourselves and share amusing experiences.

Reminders, not blame.

ADHD people are notoriously forgetful. They work so hard to remember one idea that others seem to slip away. If they don't do something immediately it is frequently forgotten. Establish systems in your home for reminders.

—Leave yourself or your partner messages on the phone answering machine,

—Post-it notes on the mirror,

—Leave notes on the refrigerator.

—Create a family message center with a message board, bulletin board and family calendar can make reminders or requests much easier on everyone.

Plan together

ADHD adults are often unrealistic about the amount of things we are capable of doing and the time those things will take. Plan together daily. This team approach will provide support and structure for each partner and will give both members of the relationship an opportunity to share and acknowledge each other's frustrations and successes.

Provide structure

ADHD adults dislike structure, yet at the same time, we need to have it in order to function. Partners in an ADHD relationship can work together to develop a structure that will be supportive and not constricting for both members of the relationship.

—Time structure: Work together to make a written daily, weekly and monthly schedule of events. Post it in the family message center.

—Space structure: ADHD disorganization is difficult for everyone to live with. Keep one room completely free of clutter and chaos. Designate another room for projects and activities. Designate a family place for keys, shoes, purses and glasses. Have a convenient box for mail to be placed into as soon as it arrives. Enlist the entire family on a weekly basis to clean house and clutter. Frequent clutter clean up will keep the chaos from getting out of hand.

Develop strategies for completing chores

Everyone has methods that help them stay focused on tedious tasks. Listening to music while you vacuum, books on tape while you wash dishes, television while you iron are a few.

Often tasks or chores seem too hard or overwhelming. Work together to break chores or tasks into smaller jobs which can include a rewarding break at the completion of each part. The feeling of success will encourage the worker to continue to the next part.

Making a game of a chore is essential for some people. Race yourself or try to beat your partner's time in mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen, or weeding the garden. Give yourself points and rewards for completing jobs. (I know one woman who for every 20 minutes of housework rewards herself with 5 minutes of reading or relaxation. She uses a timer to make sure she sticks to her plan.)

Avoid procrastination

One of the single most common complaints by non-ADHD partners is the problems procrastination causes in their relationship. It is important that both partners realize that everyone uses procrastination to motivate themselves. By waiting until the importance of doing something increases we all are motivated to do it. The ADHD adult, however, waits longer before that motivation occurs. Find ways to trigger the motivation by setting timers, alarms or other impersonal reminders. Allow the procrastinator to experience the results of his/her procrastination. This can be the most motivating method for future. Be patient and don't fuel the problem by becoming angry or upset. (I know of a family that is often late for meetings because the ADHD partner procrastinates about getting ready. The non ADHD partner has figured out a way to relieve her anxiety. She gets ready early as usual and then sits down to practice the piano. The piano music reminds him that it is time to get ready and she doesn't get angry and anxious while she waits.)

If you are part of an odd couple, I hope these suggestions will prove helpful to you.

Andrea Betts is now a retired therapist who thought that when she retired she'd have time on her hands, but it is just the opposite! She somehow has less time than when she was working!—horses, grandchildren, projects, projects and more projects!

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