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Social Skills: Finding Friends and Persuading People

Do you have a lot of friends? Is it easy for you to introduce yourself to people? Do others ask you to go to activities with them? Are you invited to parties? If you want to persuade a teacher, boss, or your parents to do something, do you usually succeed? When you need to get help from a salesperson in a store, can you usually get it?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, you may have a good ability to get along with others. This will be a tremendous help in getting and keeping a job. Some people with learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, and dyslexia are very skilled in connecting with other people. Having a disability may have taught them teamwork as they negotiated the help they needed.

If you have good social graces, be proud of them. But there are always ways to make them better. And that effort is worth it. Each year, the ability to get along with others, lead them, persuade them, and inspire them becomes more critical to professional and personal success.

Why Is Getting Along with Others a Challenge?

For most people with learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, and dyslexia, getting along with others is another challenge that must be met. Why is this?

Perceptual Problems

Some people with learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, and dyslexia have perceptual problems. That is, they have difficulty taking information in through the senses and organizing that information. Let us use seeing as an example. Light comes in to your eyes. Your brain arranges these signals into pictures. What you see depends on how your brain organizes these patterns. The brains of many people with learning disabilities tend to organize these patterns differently than usual.

These perceptual problems can make it difficult to see and hear correctly. As a result, you may misinterpret the actions of other people. For example, if you have trouble seeing the difference between "c" and "e," you may also have difficulty distinguishing between:

• a friendly smile and a forced smile
• an angry glare and an annoyed glance
• a flirtatious look and ordinary eye contact

If you have trouble hearing the difference between "m" and "n" or distinguishing other sounds, you may also have difficulty knowing the difference between:

• an angry voice and a commanding voice
• a cheerful voice and an ordinary voice
• a teasing or sarcastic voice and a serious voice

You may also simply hear the wrong words. For instance, you may hear "Alabama" instead of "Atlanta" or "Go to the wall" instead of "Go to the hall."

When people speak, it may take you an extra bit of time to understand them. Someone finishes speaking. After a lag, you finish hearing and understanding what they said, and then think of your reply and start to say it. Your conversation partner has to wait for you and often keeps talking or feels impatient. You might laugh at a joke after everyone has stopped. Or nod your head at inappropriate points in a conversation or respond inappropriately.

You may have difficulty saying what you mean. Many people with learning disabilities also have language difficulties—organizing their thoughts and expressing them clearly.

Difficulty interpreting input from the senses of sight and hearing aren't the only perceptual problems that people with learning disabilities may have. Some people have trouble sensing where parts of their body are in space. This can make them seem clumsy or more likely to infringe on others' personal space. Other people have more difficulty interpreting touch sensations, and may therefore shake hands too limply or tightly.

Experiences That Contribute to Difficulties with Social Skills

People with learning disabilities and dyslexia share experiences that can make getting along with others a challenge. For example: You may have spent much of your childhood being tutored, studying, or having therapy for your disability. This may have decreased your opportunities to play with others and make friends.

You may have been teased a lot when you were young. If so, you experienced a lot of rejection. The correct word for what you experienced is "discrimination" or "oppression." You may have been:

• called names
• chosen last for teams
• treated as if you did not exist or ignored
• forced to eat lunch alone in the school cafeteria.
• You may have been treated with condescension, if people knew about your disabilities.

In this case, you may have been allowed to get away with poor social skills. Maybe you were impolite and nobody corrected you. Because of your perceptual problems, you did not notice the frowns, stares, and whispers. If you find that you have a hard time making friends even though you think you are doing the right thing, consider the possibility that you are being rude—and do not know it.

You may have several problems as a result of not having typical childhood friendships. First, you may not have developed typical social skills. Second, you may feel unwanted, unworthy, and excluded even when you are accepted by others. Down the road, these feelings can make job hunting especially difficult. No matter how one cuts it, job hunting leads to a lot of rejection until you are hired. And rejection hurts—even for people who do not have your history.

The Physical Component of LD/ADHD/Dyslexia

Learning disabilities, attention deficit disorders, and dyslexia are often called invisible disabilities. But there are often visible signs of central nervous system dysfunction. Examples include:

• staring
• difficulty making eye contact
• tilting the head
• being easily startled
• letting your jaw hang down
• walking on your toes
• shuffling your feet
• standing and sitting "at attention" (with your muscles rigid)

Children tease other children about these problems. Sometimes even adults make fun of other adults. When you were growing up, people may have jokingly imitated your appearance or described you in disparaging ways. People might have purposely startled you by touching you from behind or dropping a book. Again, these are examples of discrimination. They were immoral and wrong. However, recovery from this past discrimination is your responsibility.

Even if you were rarely if ever teased, you may have noticed that people get uneasy in your presence. They don't know why, but they feel slightly uncomfortable. They walk away after a few minutes, look down when they talk to you, or stay rigidly polite.

You probably know if you have this problem as you read this. If you are not sure, show this information to someone who knows you well and is willing to tell you the truth. Or try some of the following suggestions and see if interacting with people becomes easier.

Consciously Try to Change How You Move

If you are aware of the things you do that make others uncomfortable, you can systematically try to change your habits. Examples:

If you tend to stare, you could:

• Learn to move your eyes.
• Practice moving your eyes up and down, back and forth.
• Blink rapidly for about 20 seconds a few times a day. (Make sure you do this when you're alone!)
• Look at each corner of a room. Look at a tree, a car, an apartment.
• Ask people to let you know if you are staring at them. You might say to them:
  • "For some reason, I sometimes stare. Let me know if that happens."
  • "I'm working on becoming more mindful and paying better attention. But sometimes my eyes lock. It bugs people. Let me know if that happens."
• Stay aware of what is around you. Try to remember what you see.
• If you stare because you fall into a trance, get enough sleep. Aim for continuous, relaxed attention.

If you tend to move in a rigid, robotic way and/or have trouble with being easily startled:

• Consciously relax your muscles.
• Try classes in yoga or martial arts.
• Use progressive relaxation techniques. Buy a tape that walks you through the steps. Or try following these instructions:
  • Darken the room.
  • Put some soothing music on.
  • Lie down. Wear loose, comfortable clothing.
  • Tense your right foot, then relax it. You may curl your toes. Or point them. But make the foot tense. Then relax.
  • Tense your right leg, then relax it. You may straighten out your knee. Really feel the tension. Then let it go and relax your right leg.
  • Go through this process with the rest of your body. Tense and then relax your:
    • left foot
    • left leg
    • buttocks
    • stomach
    • right hand
    • left hand
    • right arm
    • left arm
    • upper back
    • lower back
    • neck

After doing this, your body should feel relaxed. Understanding the distinction between a relaxed muscle and a tense muscle may be more of a challenge for you than for others. But work on it. After you know how to use progressive relaxation, use the technique in your chair at school or on the job. Use very small movements. This allows you to relax before nerve-racking events such as job interviews and staff meetings.

With practice, you can consciously change the way you move and hold yourself. You can keep your head perpendicular. You can put your tongue forward in your mouth between your upper and lower palette, which stops your jaw from hanging down. You can look at people in the eye. You can walk heel-to-toe, heel-to-toe, heel-to-toe. While you are working on controlling your body, it might help to discuss these problems frankly with others. Say, "I'm sorry I'm staring so much, but it's something I can't help."

It takes a long period of day-to-day remembering to move differently before you overcome the natural tendency of your body. There is no denying that re-training your body is very challenging. However, if you can learn to move more naturally, other people will probably be far more comfortable with you.

From Hyperactivity to High Energy

You also may be "hyperactive." You want to move constantly. You fidget. Teachers used to yell at you in class. Even if you're through with school, your constant movements may still bother other people. On the job, you may distract others by: constantly walking to and from the water cooler; cracking your knuckles; humming to yourself; squeaking or rocking your chair. Your co-workers may let you know you are bothering them. Or they may avoid you. If you are not yet employed, hyperactive behavior during an interview can be misinterpreted as nervousness and result in you not being hired. There are many ways to keep hyperactivity under control. Here are some ideas:

• Try vigorous exercise. Running, swimming, walking, and active team sports can draw off excess energy and be tremendous fun.
• Check what you eat and its impact on your hyperactivity. Some people have calmed themselves by making changes in their diet such as stopping sugar, eating more whole grains, or increasing their caffeine intake. (The stimulant effect of caffeine may actually calm some people's hyperactivity.)
• Use the relaxation techniques described earlier.
• Take frequent breaks from any activity which involves sitting still.
• Fidget in ways nobody can see, such as moving your feet under the desk.
• Develop rituals, such as keeping your hands at your sides, to help you control your limbs.
• Ask your doctor about medicine to reduce your hyperactivity.

Although hyperactivity can get on others' nerves, it also can be an advantage on the job. You have significantly more energy than other people and can work longer hours. You will develop a reputation for high productivity. You can walk more miles. And your energy can make you charismatic.

Grooming and Dressing Habits

People with visual perceptual problems can have difficulty looking their best. First, they may have more trouble seeing rips, tears, and stains. Second, they may have difficulty perceiving how other people are wearing their clothing and hair. This makes it harder for them to notice when they are not in style. Individuals without learning disabilities make these observations outside of their conscious awareness. They feel vaguely uncomfortable when they dress differently or when their hair is long and other people's hair is short. People with learning disabilities may have to train themselves to notice what is "normal" and what is considered particularly attractive.

When you look for work, you are on display. People make their first impressions quickly, often in the first thirty seconds you are together. Job interviews are not your only challenge. You also want to show your best self at meetings, receptions, and networking events. If you are employed, you want to look great in the office. A good appearance is a strong asset. It gives you a positive halo that causes people to overlook effects of your disability. Below are some tips on controlling your external appearance.

Looking Your Best

• Wear stylish clothing that is similar to what people around you are wearing. People-watch to get an idea of what is in style.
• Dress carefully. Check your clothing weekly for rips or stains and/or ask someone to look you over before you leave your home. Some people make checklists of tasks to complete to help them get ready for the day.
• Learn about fashion and grooming. Classes are offered through adult education programs, private institutions, and even department stores. Many books, videos, and magazines make recommendations.
• Consider paying someone to help. This may be especially important if you are a woman, as women are often expected to pay more attention to grooming. Invest in hairdressers and people who can help you use make-up. Males and females with visual perceptual problems can profit tremendously from an image consultant who will help select and organize your wardrobe or serve as a personal shopper.
• If keeping your appearance polished is particularly challenging for you, avoid jobs where sharp dressing is a must. For example, jobs in marketing and sales (with the exception of telemarketing) require you to constantly look your best.

Cracking the Social Code

How can you improve your ability to get along with other individuals? You need to crack the social code. There are hidden rules to how people act. Almost everyone else picks these rules up unconsciously through observing, imitating, and recalling the reactions of others. For you, the process is probably not unconscious. You also must observe and imitate, but you must do it consciously.

Learning the social code is similar to the process that people go through in learning to function in another country. A visitor to a foreign country who was somewhat fluent in the language would be able to converse, but would miss jokes or emotional subtleties. He would work so hard at translating what he heard into English, he would miss some meaning. He might stand too close or too far from people and shake hands instead of exchanging business cards. He would look odd. If this visitor stayed in the new country for too long, he might become shy and afraid, or, conversely, make a lot of mistakes and feel arrogant and above the people there. This is called culture shock. You may be in culture shock in your own culture.

Observation

The first step in learning to get along with others is to watch and listen to people. Even if your perception is off, you get far more information than you do if you ignore what is happening. To become skilled socially and to connect with other human beings, you must have your antennae out—and pay attention to other people and the situation that surrounds you. Some exercises that will help:

1. Listen carefully to conversation partners and keep a careful eye on their facial expression, hands, and the rest of their body.
2. In group conversations, look at each person as they speak. Then watch the reactions of others.
3. When watching television or video, turn the sound down and look at the body language of the characters. What can you learn?
4. Listen to radio and pay particular attention to the tones of voice.
5. Go to events where you are almost a stranger so that you can be an observer. Watch how people join groups and how people leave groups. Are some people "popular"? What are they doing differently from others?
6. If you do not "get" jokes, study humor. When you do not understand a joke, ask a trusted friend later what was funny. When you do not understand a comic strip, ask about it. Read joke books and humor in the newspaper.

As you observe more and more, you will begin to notice effective ways to interact with others and you can practice them.

Approachability

The first step in making friends is to have conversations with them. For people to enjoy talking with you, you need to be someone who is easy to approach.

Observe people who are approached by others. They are often attractive and well-groomed. Watch them stand and sit. They will often stand with one leg in front of the other. Their arms hang loosely at their sides. They smile. They scan the room with their eyes. If you do the same, you may find that people come up to you and start conversations.

Watch for people who may want to talk to you. They may be trying to catch your eye. Or they may be approaching you with a smile. Smile back or glance at them!

Conversations

The skill of making conversation is very important. To find a job and to keep it, you will be communicating constantly. A job interview is basically a long conversation in which you convince someone to hire you.This section describes how most conversations in middle-class business and social settings start, continue, and end.

Starting Conversations

1. Make eye contact. This means glancing into the person's eyes and having him look back briefly in your eyes. If he does not look back at you, it usually means that he does not want to talk.
2. Say something to the other person. Some options:
   • Introduce yourself and then ask his name.
   • Say something about what you have in common such as:
     • The environment: "Isn't that an interesting picture?" "This food is good."
     • The event: Ask how he knows the host of the party. Or comment on the speaker.
   • The organization: At a service club meeting, you might ask what chapter he belongs to.
3. Ask a question that does not require a "yes" or "no" response. A common opening in business events is "What do you do?" At a social event, you might say, "Where are you from?"

Continuing Conversations

1. Each statement in a conversation must be related to what the previous speaker has been talking about. To change the subject, you need a transition, such as "What you said just reminded me of what we discussed yesterday."
2. As you talk, watch the person. Is he showing interest by nodding his head, looking at you, and responding to what you say? If not, wind up your thoughts and pause. Let him talk.
3. As your partner talks, look interested. Keep his face gently in focus. Do not stare. Nod occasionally or say, "mmm hmm."
4. To make a gracious interruption, watch the person who is talking. When he pauses, make a slight gesture toward him such as moving your hand or head towards him. He will finish his thoughts or pause so you can begin to speak.
5. If are having trouble keeping up with the pace of a conversation, consider saying something like: "The reason it takes me so long to answer you is that I am thinking about what you say."
6. As you talk, notice when your conversational partner wants to interrupt and let him talk.

Ending Conversations

1. End all conversations graciously. Say something positive about the discussion. Example: "It was nice hearing about your trip." "It's great that we had this chance to touch base."
2. You may want to give a reason for ending the conversation. Examples:
   • "I have to go now. My husband just walked in."
   • "The other line is ringing. I have to say goodbye."
   • "I see a friend I'd like to say 'Hello' to.
   • "Excuse me. I want to get a drink."
3. Wait for your partner to say something like "Goodbye," or "It was nice talking to you."
4. At business networking events, you may want to ask for a business card, hand out one of yours, or both.
5. Say "goodbye" and leave.

Breaking into Groups

In some social situations (particularly when you are starting a new job), you do not know many people. In these settings, you need to figure out how to graciously enter a group of people.

Before approaching a group, study it. Do the people look approachable? Is this a group that you can break into easily?

A group is approachable if:

• The people are standing far apart.
• Group members are looking around. One may even catch your eye and gesture, inviting you to join.
• There is a space between the people in the group that makes it easy for you to enter.

A group is not approachable if:

• The group is in a circle or oval with little space between the bodies.
• People are close together.
• People are looking at each other.
• You can't catch anyone's eye.

Here are some possibilities for getting in. If you know someone in the group, catch his eye, smile or wave, and approach him. He may introduce you to people there or move in such a way you can get in. If you don't know anyone, then:

1. Get close enough to hear them (without getting so close you are violating their space).
2. Catch the eye of someone in the group.
3. Say something that is related to the conversation. Your comment should be brief and not contradict what the speakers have been saying.
4. Often, someone will respond and make you a part of the group. He may ask your name. He may introduce himself to you and start a round of introductions.
5. People will probably move to let you enter. In any case, step in the group and join them.

Developing a Social/Business Network of Friends

Having a network of friends is important for a variety of reasons. It gives you a sense of belonging. It leads to better mental health. It offers the possibility of marriage or a long-term relationship if you are single. And it increases the likelihood that you will get a job, as most jobs are found through friends. But, what do you do if you are now isolated? Or have only a few friends?

First, you should know that your situation is not unusual. It is not a negative reflection of you, your personality, or "the way you are." As mentioned earlier, your learning disability, attention deficit disorder, and dyslexia can get in the way of connecting with other people. In addition, today's society makes it difficult for everybody to find new friends. Some reasons include: long working hours, transiency (moving from place to place), the popularity of television and other forms of passive entertainment, and a diminished sense of community.

Despite the obstacles, making friends is possible. Start with your current friends and family. Strengthen and deepen those relationships. Ask them to introduce you to people they know. You might set up meals where each of you brings a friend. Or, try one of the strategies below.

Making Friends by Joining Organizations

An excellent way to meet people is to go to activities in your areas of interest. You may find a hiking club, a service organization, a diet group, a computer users group, a religious or spiritual organization, or even a group of people with your disability.In addition, look for groups that support your career interests. If you are considering becoming a chef, take a cooking class. If you want to go into business, join your junior achievement club or the local Chamber of Commerce, depending on your age. Toastmasters, which teaches public speaking, is open to people over the age of 18. For a club near you, call 1-800-993-7732.

Some associations limit membership to people who are employed in their interest area. You can often get around that requirement by asking if you can volunteer or attend some activities. Keep in mind that it is extremely helpful when job hunting if you belong to a local association in a related field. It shows your seriousness of interest.

The best groups for finding friends meet regularly. They are small enough that you see the same people again and again. The group members have a lot in common with you. Your house of worship is often a great place to meet people for that reason! Also, consider seminars and workshops that are inspirational in nature and help you improve yourself. This is discussed more fully in the next chapter on self-esteem.

Once you join a group, enjoy it. Become active. Volunteer to help. Use your gifts and talents. Join a committee. Friendships often form naturally. Instant friendship, however, is an unrealistic goal. It usually takes a year or more of being active in organizations for friendships to form. You need to continuously show up and become known.

Taking the Initiative in Making Friends

You may be able to speed the friend-making process along if you frequently ask people to get together with you. For instance, ask them for a cup of coffee after a club activity. Here is one way to ask someone to join you in an activity:

1. Choose an activity that you both enjoy. Past conversations about the person's interests may guide you. For example, you may have discovered a movie that you both want to see.
2. About a week before the event, call the person or talk to him. Start by asking how he is. Chat about the club. Then ask him to join you in your chosen activity:
   • "Evita is playing at the Ballston Theater this Saturday. Do you want to come?"
   • "I'm putting together a potluck meal this Thursday. Can you attend?"
   • "Maggie's Pizza has a half-price pizza special on Wednesday nights. Do you want to grab some pizza with me?"
3. If the person says "no," be gracious. "I'm sorry you can't make it. Maybe some other time." "That's too bad. I'll talk to you later." Feel free to ask again in a month or two. But if someone refuses you three or more times, don't ask again. For whatever reason, he is not interesting in being friends. Look at these experiences as successes. You have reached out. The person may contact you in the future. And each "no" brings you closer to a "yes."
4. If the person wants to join you, determine a time and place to meet. Write it on your calendar and keep the promise.

You will run into many people who are not open to friendship with you. Sometimes this is because their social network is full. Many people have multiple roles—they are working 40 hours a week, have two children, and are also part-time students. Their schedules are crowded. Or there may be poor chemistry between you and them. When this happens, try making friends with someone else, all the while improving your ability to get along with others.

If one club does not seem to be working for you, try another. In some groups, people are close to each other and hesitate to accept newcomers. Others have beliefs or behaviors that you do not like. In this case, you should move on to another activity. Commit for long enough to determine if the group could help you achieve your goals. But, there is no shame in realizing that a particular situation does not meet your needs and leaving.

When people ask you to get together, be gracious, accepting when you can and refusing politely when you cannot. Sometimes you will be the one who does not want to pursue a friendship. As you get to know more and more people, you may find it helpful to organize group activities or even have parties at your home.

Working a Room

You may go to events specifically for the purpose of meeting people who can help you with your career. You may find these activities through an association related to the job that interests you, your school, the local Chamber of Commerce, or receptions and meetings related to your job. People often find job leads at these events. To network effectively, you would use the conversational rules discussed above. You would also:

1. Set a goal for how many people you want to meet at the event.
2. Prepare a very short pitch about yourself and what you are looking for. For example: "I am thinking about entering the Association Management field and am wondering who would know the most about growth in the field."
3. Start conversations with some small talk. Ask people what they do for a living, discuss the weather, or compare reactions to the speaker.
4. Then you might ask, "What brings you here?" Find out the purpose of their networking and see if you can help.
5. Use the short pitch you prepared about why you are networking.
6. Listen to their responses.
7. Offer your business card and collect theirs. If you are not employed, consider having a business card made with your name, address, and phone number, and perhaps a few bulleted points about your skills.

The exciting thing about networking events is that everyone is there to meet people and you will find that almost everyone will talk to you. You often find the information and contacts you want.

Finding Mentors

As you circulate more, someone may show a particular interest in your progress. If the person is in your field of work, try to get to know him or her better.

Career literature and biographies of successful people are filled with stories about people who have advanced with the help of a mentor. Traditionally, this is an older person who chooses a promising younger person to help, teaches him the ropes, and introduces him to others in the field. Today, the concept has expanded. Your mentor might be younger than you, for example.

Some offices, schools, and organizations have programs that match people who want a mentor with someone who is willing to guide them. If you cannot find such a program, try looking for an older or more experienced person who can guide you. Survey your teachers, professors, former neighbors you were close to, and new people you meet. They may take you under their wing spontaneously. Good ways to find a mentor are to ask people to tell their life story, ask for their advice, or to offer to do helpful jobs for them.

Sometimes you need to take the initiative and directly ask someone for their counsel. Request to meet with him for thirty minutes a month. If you ask someone to be your mentor, assure him the proposed relationship will not use a lot of his time. And give him something in return—whether it is volunteer work or information of your own. You can ask your mentor for help in many areas. He might advise you on different stages of your job hunt, listen to you describe situations and give feedback on your actions, introduce you to others, or suggest different ways of doing things. Whatever help your mentor offers, be sure to thank him frequently.

What if you cannot find a mentor? Many people with learning disabilities have difficulties attracting a mentor, but still mange to do well. Although mentors can be very helpful, they are not essential to success.

Conclusion

Developing a social network is a keystone to your job success. You need social skills to find a job and to keep one. And, no matter how successful you are professionally, you will always want friends, family, and people who like you as you are. If social skills do not come easily to you, it will be well worth your time to pinpoint your weaknesses and work on them.

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The above article is Chapter 5 of Learning A Living, A Guide to Planning Your Career and Finding A Job for People with Learning Disabilities, Attention Deficit Disorder and Dyslexia. It has been adapted slightly for this website with the permission of the author, Dale S. Brown, and the publisher, Woodbine House.

Dale Susan Brown is the author of five books on disability issues including Learning A Living, A Guide to Planning Your Career and Finding A Job for People with Learning Disabilities, Dyslexia, and Attention Deficit Disorder. published by Woodbine House. She was on the Professional Advisory Board of ADDA and is a well-known speaker on ADHD and Learning Disabilities. She is the winner of numerous awards including the Ten Outstanding Young Americans Award, and the Flemming Award for excellence in civil service administration both given by the United States Junior Chamber of Commerce. To read some of her autobiographical material, go to LD Resources.

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